my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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