If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
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