The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
You took a bar mat shot.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
