I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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