Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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