if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
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