end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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