Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
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