and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
