and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
