right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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