During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
