Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
