thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
