My girlfriend figured out who you are.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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