I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
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The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
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Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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