Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
And then my night got REAL pukey
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
