why im i the only drunk person in the library?
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
