the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
