I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize
