How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
