oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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