guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
