haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
