my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
people are starting to question the shark bite story
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
