I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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