His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
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I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
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The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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