it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
