My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
