All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
