once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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