I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
