mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
