There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize