I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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