dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
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Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
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You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
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