Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
