so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Randomize
