Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Randomize
