The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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