There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
