Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
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