Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
