Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
