I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
