hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
