AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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