dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
