Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
