I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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