So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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