hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
