I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
