i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
