can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
