I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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