i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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