Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
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I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
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Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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