just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
